Eyes Closed, Head First, Can’t Lose

There was no post yesterday because I intended to make a far longer and more detailed post about my last two weeks. I’ve been flip flopping back and forth but I don’t think the time is right or that I’m ready. Needless to say, I’m going through Some Stuff and have been working with my therapist on some things that are getting twitch-inducingly close to the root of my issues. After several years of trying to get help, to finally be on the right track is great – and way scarier than I was ready for. 

Why am I waffling about this on a writing blog? 

Mental health affects everything – especially the stuff we don’t want it to. People who have followed this blog for a long time will be sick and tired of hearing about me being “ready to query” or “so close to querying” or “just this left to do!” This has literally been going on for years. Years! It probably came as very little surprise to everyone after the third or fourth time when it was revealed that the Great Querying Event never actually happened. The most frustrating thing for me though was why did it never happen? I was ready. Have been ready. For a long time. It turns out though that there was a very specific mental health thing holding me back.

That thing has been identified. My therapist wants to try treating it with exposure therapy and asked what we should start with. Sod it, I thought, this has been going on too long. Querying has always been such a huge mental blockage for me, especially for this novel. Was choosing something this big a terrible place to start my healing journey? Or did I really need to do something drastic to kick start this process? Honestly, it feels like I did the right thing, even if it’s been a very, very difficult process. 

I did it. I sent the query. I have a list of next-up agents for when the rejects come back. Sometimes, you just need to take your life advice from the wise Jake Perulta*.

Jake from Brooklyn 99 with some life advice.

*I would not recommend this as a regular occurrence. 

Take Care of Yourself

Some of you might have noticed I’ve been very quiet online recently and I apologise for that. Things have been a bit tough and I haven’t been able to keep on top of much. A few posts ago I spoke about suffering from anxiety related to my day job. Unfortunately that didn’t get better, in fact it got worse until I hit breaking point.

I don’t want to go into it further but I’m no longer in that job and am instead looking for something new and less awful for my health. A bit scary but definitely the right decision. Learn from my mistake and take your mental health seriously. And by seriously, I mean keep an eye on it. I still find it hilarious that the anxiety pills I’ve been put on have the common side effect of NIGHTMARES. I still think laughing at things is the best medicine.

Don’t let things get bad if you know they’re going that way. Don’t pretend that nothing is wrong, that everything will get better if you just persevere. Listen to the signs.

Anyway, my point is I quit my job yesterday and had my best night sleep in two months last night. Time for a fresh start, a more suited job, and a bucket tonne of writing. And hopefully after a couple of weeks of recovery, a more myself me.

Take care of yourselves, everyone.

Really.